Searching for SunlightHad A, C, and J over for a sleepover. Parents were away at a wedding. Thought it might be a good idea to break out some alcohol.
Nope.
Everyone ended up mad at each other because we can’t just get along. People tried to talk about feelings but everyone just ended up unhappy.
Why are we even friends.
I haven’t made a personal post here in a while because summer yayay fun home everything’s good and cheery right?
Nope.
Summer’s been okay so far.
Yeah.
Boyfriend was visiting the past couple of days and it was good because I was busy and distracted and stuff but then he left this afternoon and I cut up my toes because I can’t deal and then tonight my mom was all “let’s get pedicures” and while inside I went “fuck no” my mouth said yes because she’s been talking about this for months and I can’t stand people being unhappy or disappointed because of me and she was really looking forward to this so I did it. It’s a good thing I didn’t make myself bleed too much this afternoon or else I don’t know what would have happened.
The woman who came me the pedicure kept touching the gouges in my feet and looking at me funny but she didn’t say anything.
It just makes me thing how many times people who work in jobs like that see fresh cuts to scars or are other people actually more concerned than I am about hiding their self-injuries?
Because in all honesty i just want someone to notice and care. I just can’t talk to people about these things which is probably why my therapist thinks I’m fine and doesn’t want to see me anymore. I need someone to care enough to get past their reservations and actually notice that I’m still not okay. I pretend and act like everything’s back to normal because well everyone seems to think I should be. Oh Megan? Yeah she used to cut herself and tear the skin off her feet and she was suicidal and hated herself and couldn’t stand to be alive but she’s all better now. gave her a pill and a couple weeks of therapy and now she’s cured!
but then again no one but me really knows that it was actually that bad. like all i told my parents was that i was a little depressed. i told some friends i’d cut. my boyfriend was the only one who really knew i was suicidal but then again i don’t think he really realized how serious it was. how serious it still is.
but then if i know how serious it is and i want people to take this and me seriously then why don’t i just tell them?
who the fuck knows.
certainly not me.
i don’t know anything.
i’m just a broken girl that was patched back into place and now is supposed to act like she never fell off that wall but how can she when her heart and lungs and guts have been spilled all over the sidewalk and try as she may she just can’t put herself back together because sometimes when a thing gets broken it can’t be fixed.
maybe i’ll never be fixed.
maybe i’m just destined to live my live in a constant state of self-loathing and self-pity because to the rest of the world i’m just a perfect little girl so that’s what i’ll keep pretending to be.
Recovery isn’t a joke.
It’s not easy.
It’s DEFINITELY not fun.
It’s not some easy-to-navigate gravel road.
No, you’ve gotta take an axe and cut down your own goddamn trees and make your own goddamn path because there sure as hell isn’t one that’s already cut out for you.
(via fight-depression)
Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist or a health professional. I am a teenager who knows what it is like to suffer through this and who wants to help share some tips and tricks that helped me through the worst phases of my depression.
The most important thing is to talk to someone. Preferably, a responsible adult or a health professional. However, waiting lists for Psychologist, Psychiatrists and or mental health experts tend to be very long. And of course, they can not help you every minute of every day. If you are a teenager, talk to your guardian or parent. These people love you and want to help you through anything. If for whatever reason you do not feel comfortable talking to them, there are Call Centres, your teachers, your close friends. Lots of people are there for you, you just need to spot them.The second most important thing is to avoid temptation. Recognise your weaknesses and stay away from them. Avoid the kitchen, the medicine cabinet, the DIY cupboard, what you think is most dangerous for you.
I realise, however, that if you are have recurring or continuous suicidal thoughts, it isn’t practical or possible to avoid these areas constantly and constantly be in contact with people. These are tips and tricks I find helpful to help combat the thoughts.
- Switch from “Goodbye” to “See You” Then mentally keep note of who you said “See you” too. This is a promise to that person that you will see them again. You can make this into a promise to yourself that you will stay around long enough to see them again.
- Make a List of the People who Care About You Write it down and carry it around with you. Every time you have the smallest suicidal thought, look at this list of people who want you to stay around. Likewise, you can make a list of people you care about, a list of everyone you don’t want to hurt.
- Procrastinate Tell yourself that you’ll wait five minutes, ten minutes, an hour, before you kill yourself. Tell yourself you’ll watch a movie first, or read a book, or scroll a bit further down Tumblr. Yeah. THIS IS ME GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO PROCRASTINATE. The urge does fade with time, and this is my fall back trick.
- Make Lists of Your Favourite Things Ice cream, chocolate, roller coasters, whatever it is. Carry that around, too. These are lists of things you want to experience again, and a promise to yourself you’ll be around to experience them.
- Exercise Exercise makes your brain release endorphins, which are chemicals nicknamed “The happy drug.” Releasing them makes you happy, basically. Also, if you do them outside, you are absorbing sunlight, which also helps release endorphins. Find your favourite sport and get out there and do it. (P.S. Sex also counts and that has its own benefits too)
- Eat Chocolate Remus Lupin knew what he was doing when he gave Harry chocolate. Chocolate releases endorphins, especially Serotonin which is an anti-depressant. YAY chocolate. You only need to eat small amounts for this to work.
- Meditate Sit still, close your eyes, think about happy stuff. It really is that simple. Meditation works best if you’re only feeling lower levels of suicidal thoughts so you actually have the ability to concentrate.
- Use Worksheets I love these. They’re simple, can be carried anywhere, easy to use, etc. Writing things down means you’re thinking about them and subconciously processing them. The 3 Ds, One to Fill Out and carry around, A Safety Plan, Wallet Sized Safety Plan, Commitment to Life Contract, STOPP cards for dealing with situations, Five Pages on Coping With Suicidal Thoughts, MANY, MANY MORE (AN: These are resources made by and used by health professionals and experts)
- Sleep On It Try and sleep. It stops the thoughts, clears your mind and reduces stress.
I CANNOT stress how important it is to seek professional help if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts. These are just tools to use between appointments.
You ARE beautiful. I care. Your friends and family care. You deserve to be here just as much as the next person.
Stay with us.
(via fight-depression)
Welp, this blog has been going really well.
Where I used to blog, I’m now playing Sims obsessively. It’s become my new addiction. I play Sims any time I can. I’ve barely studied for my finals.
I tried to study today. I really did.
I was so distracted that I suggestively told Boyfriend to come over hoping that he’d help me feel something.
After three separate times where I got in the mood and then he shot it down I told him to leave. He got all mopey and apologetic but I just couldn’t deal any more.
I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life.
I had another breakdown last weekend that culminated with me hiding in the laundry room in the basement of my dorm plotting my suicide until Boyfriend finally found me.
I planned to do it Sunday, but Sunday came and went and here I am still among the living.
I thought that once I owned up to my feelings and got help people would start to look out for me and things would start to get easier because I would no longer have to hide. What bullshit. My therapist dumped me, I’ve royally screwed up my relationship with my boyfriend, my friends mostly ignore me or pass it off as “haha megan’s being crazy again she has so many problems haha” and i’m doing worse in my classes now than I did before I got help. I seriously think I might have failed chemistry and where I thought I was guaranteed at least an A- in ecology, I’ll be lucky if I get a B.
My friends have seen me turning to Sims or alcohol or any other number of unhealthy coping mechanisms and not one of them seems to care. I need someone to sit me down and help me. I’m tired of trying to do this all on my own.
The only one that has been of any help is R. I love her. She’s been so good. She gets me. But I feel like I can never tell her things because she’s going through similar shit and when she’s happy i don’t want to bring her down and when she’s down I don’t want to make her problems worse.
What is my life even.
